Chapter 5 – Betrayal(book - Girl who changed my life).
Chapter 5 – Betrayal – The Bullying - Heartbreak
While at my grandmother's house for the summer, I decided to write to all my friends at school. Some of them stayed at the boarding school for the summer. I wrote a letter telling them that I froze up during the exam and could not play, that I felt very nervous, but that I was planning to retake the exam, and how much I missed and loved everyone.
A few weeks later, I received a letter from Sonya. I was so happy to receive mail from my second home. The letter was very thick, and for some reason, I thought they loved me too (my friends) as much as I loved them, and that’s why the letter was so thick.
This letter would change my life forever.
First, I saw drawings of broken hearts, of cut hearts with sharp razors and blood spilling. Big words in black ink like “NEVER,” “DON’T COME BACK!” “WE HATE YOU.”
I was so confused with the many drawings on all the pages. I was confused; what was happening? Finally, I found the first page and started carefully reading.
It said:
"You thought you were the best, but you miserably failed, ha-ha-ha. We are so happy you failed. You deserve it. We never want you to come back. Don't ever dream about it. We hate you very much, and if you come back, we will kill you. We will stab you in the heart with a knife, we will cut your heart in two, and you will die. If you ever tell anyone about this letter, we will find you and we will kill you! We hate you, and we will beat you up and kill you! Watch your back FOREVER AND EVER!"
The letter had pictures of a cut heart with a knife, blood dripping from the heart, and many drawings of knives.
On the other pages, the letter had many signatures from students, my friends, and my classmates. I recognized the signatures and recognized the names. These were the girls in my dorm room, girls from my class, girls from other rooms in the dorm, and girls who had been my closest friends.
I was in such shock at 12 years old. I did not fight it. I did not tell anyone. I was afraid they would find me and kill me. I was ashamed for failing the test and failing in life so miserably. I felt the whole world and ecosystem rejected me, and there was no place for me in this world.
I had never in my life faced this kind of confrontation and hate. I was scared. Part of me died forever that day. Deep, very deep depression that would follow me for the rest of my life started that day.
I did not tell anyone. I did not tell my mom. I did not tell the teachers, no one. I became afraid of the world. How could I trust anyone? Make friends after this? Maybe that’s why I feel lonely even now.
I never came back to the school, never told a grown-up, and never told anyone for the next 20 years. Stopped playing music, joined a new school, and sat at the last desk in the back of the classroom. Never tried to lead or speak up in any situation.. I was afraid to speak up. I became a gray mouse for the rest of my life. Depression started. I started thinking about killing myself and about how I was not worthy of life. I never trusted anyone again and stopped taking care of myself.
I do not fully blame Sonya for what she did, after all she collected about 15 to 20 signatures, that means she was not alone in her hate, others hated me too. I also blamed myself for not saying anything, for being scared, for being afraid of being killed, and for not standing up for myself against her and everyone who signed that letter. Later, I found out that some girls knew what they were signing, but some had no idea. Or did they? She was collecting signatures from every dorm room. This is what some girls told me 20 years later: that she simply walked around collecting signatures. She was the only one who wrote the letter, and the majority of the students did not know what they were signing. At 12 years old, I gave up music, my life, my identity, betrayed myself, and became a vegetable.
Also, part of me did not want Sonya to get in trouble. I was worried about her getting in trouble and maybe being expelled from school. I did not want to be a snitch.
